As tragic as it is to see so many leaders fall from their pedestals, the real tragedy of sexual sin has been going on less publicly since time immemorial. It has been at epidemic levels for longer than we know. The Ashley Madison thing just brought it to light. As the author of the article tells it:
Why do so many men, and even so many Christian men, have such weakness when it comes to sexual sin? ...
I have listened to more stories of more Christian men falling, wept with more women, and prayed a whole lot. I have tried to explain to women how their husbands think about sex: Your husband doesn’t just want it, he wants you. I’ve tried to tell them that sex is a good gift that God gives as a means of grace in marriage, a means of bonding a husband and wife together. I have counseled single young women to pursue purity. I have been teaching all the right stuff. And I have believed it all ...
I have fought to understand the struggle men face. I have fought to have compassion. I have encouraged wives to extend forgiveness, to willingly and joyfully give themselves to their husbands. But you know what? I just don’t know how I can keep doing it. Not when so many husbands are deceptively defiling the marriage bed. Not when so many young, single men are recklessly defiling the future marriage bed. Not when so many men seem just plain unwilling to change.She is absolutely correct. Men struggle with this seemingly more than with any other sin. They always have, they probably always will. The only difference between today and yesterday is how much easier it is to get in trouble, and, most recently, how hard it can be to hide it. I feel in the words she wrote the anguish and despair for those hurt by this sin. My heart breaks right along with hers for those whose lives are shattered by sexual sin. It is killing all of us, both men and women, and it is doing irreparable damage to the church.
For all she gets right, however, her prescription for the problem is all wrong.
You who keep choosing to sin, you who keep visiting those websites, you who have secret lives you keep hidden from your friends and your wives: Why won’t you stop? You know that God loves to give victory over every sin. You know that God calls you to pursue sanctification. You know that the Holy Spirit equips you to succeed. God has given you everything you need in the gospel. So why do you keep failing? The only conclusion I can come to is that you are so consumed with self-gratification that you are not willing to fight, and I mean really willing to fight, this sin. If it’s not that you can’t, it must be that you won’t.
I plead with you. I plead with you on behalf of your wives, on behalf of your future wives, on behalf of Christian women everywhere: Stop. Just stop.
Stop believing that this is a special sin that women just can’t understand—we do understand sin. This isn’t a special sin, it is just sin: God-belittling, Christ-mocking, Spirit-despising sin. Stop pretending like there are no future consequences to your actions. Stop putting your selfish desires first. Stop engaging in activities that bring shame on the gospel. Stop doing things that leave us picking up the pieces of your devastated wife. Stop indulging in your sin, and start thinking and acting like a God-honoring, Christ-praising, Spirit-glorifying man. For the love of God and his church, stop.There is a visceral, heartfelt cry in her words, a pleading through tears and pain that cannot be ignored. It is part of the solution to the problem, but it is not the whole of it. Yes, a will to holiness is an absolutely necessary condition for combatting sexual sin, but it is in no way a sufficient one. In fact, the desire alone will lead to greater failure.
The conquering of sin has never been a matter of man's will. If you're Calvinist enough, you know for certain that man is more than merely unwilling to stop sinning; he is incapable. It wasn't man's unwillingness that put Christ on the cross; it was his inability to achieve the righteous requirements of a Holy God that hung Jesus on that tree. When Jesus pled before the Father over his impending crucifixion he begged, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me..." It was not possible. There was no other way. No thing in or about man would or could do the thing that only the perfect sacrifice of the Lamb of God did. Death on a cross was not Jesus' first or last choice for providing salvation. It was His only choice.
So, when you plead with us to "just stop" you misunderstand the problem. The natural reply from any man who has ever struggled with sexual sin is that he would just stop if he could. No man desires the destruction and damage wrought by his sin. No man joyfully heaps on his head the pain, misery, guilt, and shame that comes with failing his wife, himself, and his God through sexual sin. Indeed, the entire time the words "just stop" are screaming in his head, threatening to deafen his mind. But for the louder screams of the carnal desires waging war within him they would. Shouting just stop louder will not work. It cannot.
If you're thinking this is an out for man to sin, it is not. The righteous requirements of our Holy God do not change merely because of our inability to meet them. Where there was no way, God made a way. On that cross, hanging battered and bloodied 2000 years ago Jesus spanned the chasm between the total depravity of man and the absolute holiness of God. No man could cross on his own will to holiness. Only in the power of the Living God can man get there. Just stop won't carry him across, but just start will.
When I write "just start" I mean repent. No, not have an emotional experience and ride the tide of warm, happy thoughts like surfing a wave. I mean metanoia, a change of mind leading to a change of being, a change of character. Just stop thinking you can just stop. Just start thinking that you can't just stop on your own. Start thinking that you must rely on the one and only way. Call on that power that saved you from sin to save you again, and again, and again. Every time the temptation pokes its head up play whack-a-mole with the truth, wielding it like a mallet. The truth is you can't just stop. You can't just say no. You can't battle sexual sin on your own and come away victorious. You are absolutely dependent on the power of God alone. Any other path leads to destruction. Just as Christ went to the cross as the only way, so we must go to that same cross because HE is the only way.
God has called us men to some pretty serious stuff. That whole "love your wife as Christ loved the church" bit isn't even remotely humanly possible. Try to pull that one off on your will to holiness and you will wreck your life and the life of everyone in your family. You can't do it. It's impossible, and yet the requirement stands firm. God made a way when there was no way. Jesus Christ is the way.
Try to tow your boat without your truck and see how far you get. You have a better chance of doing that, on an uphill, than you have of loving your wife as Christ loved the church or of overcoming sexual sin under your own power. Use the power given to you to accomplish the task. Fulfill the righteous requirements of our Holy God, but not through your own power; do it through the power of the Spirit living in you. The power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is the same power God exerts though us to overcome sin. Avail yourself of His power. Or don't. Try it on your own and fail -- miserably, repeatedly, inevitably. It is your choice, and mine. No wonder Paul said to pray without ceasing. We're gonna have to.
