Just Stop? Yes! And Also Just Start...

My pastor linked an article today for consideration of the gentlemen of the church. It is entitled My Wife's Plea to Christian Men. In it the author tackles the ever present, and ever growing, problem of sexual sin among Christian men. The Ashley Madison brouhaha has shined an enormous spotlight on the issue. Sites such as Christianity Today and Relevant Magazine have articles about the fallout of the adultery site's data breach. The devastation for the Christian community is enormous. Leaders throughout the faith are suffering the consequences of their sin now that it has been exposed to the world.


As tragic as it is to see so many leaders fall from their pedestals, the real tragedy of sexual sin has been going on less publicly since time immemorial. It has been at epidemic levels for longer than we know. The Ashley Madison thing just brought it to light. As the author of the article tells it:

Why do so many men, and even so many Christian men, have such weakness when it comes to sexual sin? ...

I have listened to more stories of more Christian men falling, wept with more women, and prayed a whole lot. I have tried to explain to women how their husbands think about sex: Your husband doesn’t just want it, he wants you. I’ve tried to tell them that sex is a good gift that God gives as a means of grace in marriage, a means of bonding a husband and wife together. I have counseled single young women to pursue purity. I have been teaching all the right stuff. And I have believed it all ...

I have fought to understand the struggle men face. I have fought to have compassion. I have encouraged wives to extend forgiveness, to willingly and joyfully give themselves to their husbands. But you know what? I just don’t know how I can keep doing it. Not when so many husbands are deceptively defiling the marriage bed. Not when so many young, single men are recklessly defiling the future marriage bed. Not when so many men seem just plain unwilling to change.

She is absolutely correct. Men struggle with this seemingly more than with any other sin. They always have, they probably always will. The only difference between today and yesterday is how much easier it is to get in trouble, and, most recently, how hard it can be to hide it. I feel in the words she wrote the anguish and despair for those hurt by this sin. My heart breaks right along with hers for those whose lives are shattered by sexual sin. It is killing all of us, both men and women, and it is doing irreparable damage to the church.


For all she gets right, however, her prescription for the problem is all wrong.

You who keep choosing to sin, you who keep visiting those websites, you who have secret lives you keep hidden from your friends and your wives: Why won’t you stop? You know that God loves to give victory over every sin. You know that God calls you to pursue sanctification. You know that the Holy Spirit equips you to succeed. God has given you everything you need in the gospel. So why do you keep failing? The only conclusion I can come to is that you are so consumed with self-gratification that you are not willing to fight, and I mean really willing to fight, this sin. If it’s not that you can’t, it must be that you won’t.

I plead with you. I plead with you on behalf of your wives, on behalf of your future wives, on behalf of Christian women everywhere: Stop. Just stop.

Stop believing that this is a special sin that women just can’t understand—we do understand sin. This isn’t a special sin, it is just sin: God-belittling, Christ-mocking, Spirit-despising sin. Stop pretending like there are no future consequences to your actions. Stop putting your selfish desires first. Stop engaging in activities that bring shame on the gospel. Stop doing things that leave us picking up the pieces of your devastated wife. Stop indulging in your sin, and start thinking and acting like a God-honoring, Christ-praising, Spirit-glorifying man. For the love of God and his church, stop.

There is a visceral, heartfelt cry in her words, a pleading through tears and pain that cannot be ignored. It is part of the solution to the problem, but it is not the whole of it. Yes, a will to holiness is an absolutely necessary condition for combatting sexual sin, but it is in no way a sufficient one. In fact, the desire alone will lead to greater failure.


The conquering of sin has never been a matter of man's will. If you're Calvinist enough, you know for certain that man is more than merely unwilling to stop sinning; he is incapable. It wasn't man's unwillingness that put Christ on the cross; it was his inability to achieve the righteous requirements of a Holy God that hung Jesus on that tree. When Jesus pled before the Father over his impending crucifixion he begged, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me..." It was not possible. There was no other way. No thing in or about man would or could do the thing that only the perfect sacrifice of the Lamb of God did. Death on a cross was not Jesus' first or last choice for providing salvation. It was His only choice.


So, when you plead with us to "just stop" you misunderstand the problem. The natural reply from any man who has ever struggled with sexual sin is that he would just stop if he could. No man desires the destruction and damage wrought by his sin. No man joyfully heaps on his head the pain, misery, guilt, and shame that comes with failing his wife, himself, and his God through sexual sin. Indeed, the entire time the words "just stop" are screaming in his head, threatening to deafen his mind. But for the louder screams of the carnal desires waging war within him they would. Shouting just stop louder will not work. It cannot.


If you're thinking this is an out for man to sin, it is not. The righteous requirements of our Holy God do not change merely because of our inability to meet them. Where there was no way, God made a way. On that cross, hanging battered and bloodied 2000 years ago Jesus spanned the chasm between the total depravity of man and the absolute holiness of God. No man could cross on his own will to holiness. Only in the power of the Living God can man get there. Just stop won't carry him across, but just start will.


When I write "just start" I mean repent. No, not have an emotional experience and ride the tide of warm, happy thoughts like surfing a wave. I mean metanoia, a change of mind leading to a change of being, a change of character. Just stop thinking you can just stop. Just start thinking that you can't just stop on your own. Start thinking that you must rely on the one and only way. Call on that power that saved you from sin to save you again, and again, and again. Every time the temptation pokes its head up play whack-a-mole with the truth, wielding it like a mallet. The truth is you can't just stop. You can't just say no. You can't battle sexual sin on your own and come away victorious. You are absolutely dependent on the power of God alone. Any other path leads to destruction. Just as Christ went to the cross as the only way, so we must go to that same cross because HE is the only way.


God has called us men to some pretty serious stuff. That whole "love your wife as Christ loved the church" bit isn't even remotely humanly possible. Try to pull that one off on your will to holiness and you will wreck your life and the life of everyone in your family. You can't do it. It's impossible, and yet the requirement stands firm. God made a way when there was no way. Jesus Christ is the way.


Try to tow your boat without your truck and see how far you get. You have a better chance of doing that, on an uphill, than you have of loving your wife as Christ loved the church or of overcoming sexual sin under your own power. Use the power given to you to accomplish the task. Fulfill the righteous requirements of our Holy God, but not through your own power; do it through the power of the Spirit living in you. The power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is the same power God exerts though us to overcome sin. Avail yourself of His power. Or don't. Try it on your own and fail -- miserably, repeatedly, inevitably. It is your choice, and mine. No wonder Paul said to pray without ceasing. We're gonna have to.

 

 

 

A Fallen Brother

I wrote this for Ricochet, but I want to share it more widely.


Many years ago I was involved with the single’s ministry at a large church. As the area where I live has a large military population, there were lots of young, unattached people in need of this ministry. It was a wonderful group that saw me and a great many others through a rough and tumble period of life. One of the greatest things to come from the experience was a group of men.


Several of us young men drew together to form a discipleship/accountability group. We studied together, prayed together, cried together, ate together, but above all else, we formed the kinds of lasting bonds that can carry a man through life. We called ourselves Seekers. Of the dozen or so men in the group I remain emotionally close to many of them. I wrote a few years ago about one of those friendships. Though life has relocated several to other parts of the country, we still remain in contact, and we all know the others are there for us whatever the need.


When my world exploded last year one of the first things I did was reach out to these men, my brothers. They came through for me with prayer and encouragement in ways indescribable. Their support carried me when I lacked the strength to even put one foot in front of the other on the difficult path I trod. Also during that time I was informed that one of our other members was facing great legal difficulty as well.


This particular young man was a special sort. After he finished his time in the Navy he followed his calling to ministry, earned his MDiv, and became a pastor. I celebrated his ordination, his nuptials, and the births of his children through Facebook postings and the occasional direct communication. Everything seemed to be going perfectly, and then the message came from one of the other brothers that this once godly young man, father and pastor, was in serious trouble. He had been caught in an FBI sting for child pornography.


The brother offered the excuse that it was all a mistake, that he had merely fallen prey to bad search results, etc. According to the few news stories I’ve located over 3000 images were found on his computer. He pled guilty to charges last year and was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. He’ll carry with him the scarlet letter of his crimes and sin for the rest of his days. He’s disqualified himself from ministry. I have no information on whether or not his marriage will survive, or if he’s lost that as well. I’ve done what I can initially by calling together the Seekers to intercede for him in prayer. I’ve distributed his contact information to those who might wish to encourage him directly.


I faced the possibility of being in his shoes (though unjustly), and I am reminded that I am always one bad decision, one slip of virtue away from becoming him. I am instructed by his situation of the perilous game we play with sin. As James would remind us, the result of sin is death. It is only by the grace of God that any of us escapes being fully overcome by the dark nature from which we are saved. This situation affirms that it is a gamble we cannot take, a game we cannot win. No height is too great from which to fall.


In my heart I am torn. The platitude to “hate the sin and love the sinner” is put to its most grueling test when one to whom we are so emotionally and spiritually connected is overcome by sin and must suffer the consequences of his actions. With ease I could just forget him, and I could simply wash my hands of his memory. I could forget the bond of brotherhood we formed on our knees praying together for strength to be the men we were called to be. It will take the real power and love of God working in me to not abandon him. I will write to him. I will uphold him in prayer. I will be to him the brother I would hope others would be to me were I in his shoes.


I asked once what others would do should a close friend turn out to be the worst kind of sinner. I must now answer the question myself, and not merely as a hypothetical.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSF2C2amor0