Sometimes no amount of study produces inspiration. Today is a perfect example. I was drawn to Philippians for some unknown reason, and I fully expected to have some insight, an epiphany, or at the very least a verse that would stick in my head and haunt me all day. So I read the book. Then I read it again. And again. And even a fourth time. The result: nada. I can't really even tell you what the epistle is about.
There really should be something there. Philippians is an outstanding letter. Paul throws down some serious doctrine. The Christology in chapter 2 alone is worth the price of admission. But even that weighty proclamation and exhortation to imitate Jesus in his humility did not speak profoundly to me today. Perhaps it is because pride is not my current dilemma. I've backed myself into a corner of spiritual humiliation. Any pride I might have suffered from has been crushed by current circumstances which stand before me as a well lit mirror, reflecting every spiritual imperfection in undeniable clarity. I've heard it said "be humble or be humiliated," I chose the latter.
Maybe I just need to read down a little farther. In 2:14 Paul tells the believers to "Do all things without grumbling or questioning..." It's also said that a b******* sailor is a happy sailor, and I'm downright giddy. In the midst of this current challenge I find my heart only partially in it. It's not that I don't want to "be blameless and innocent, a child[] of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom [I] shine as [a] light[] in the world..." but I sure am in no mood to put forth the effort required to become any of those things. As with almost everything else I've ever wanted to be...a great guitarist, a fantastic penny whistler, a painter, etc...I want to be those things, not become those things. Becoming any of these, or a blameless Christian light in the world, requires commitment, dedication, focus, and practice. No wonder Catholics consider sloth a deadly sin. A little bit of that anti-leaven will flatten the whole lump.
Well maybe that's why I got nothing out of reading Philippians today. Although I was willing to read it 4 times (with a 5th in progress), I wasn't willing to heed the words in it. When Paul says rejoice in the Lord always I don't want to rejoice. I want to grouse. When he says to not be anxious but to pray I want to fret. Mostly I want to be lazy. I want God to swoop in and save me from my own damnable self, again. I get a funny feeling that it's not happening this time. I get the feeling he wants me to heed 4:9. It's time to practice what I've learned, heard, and seen in men like Paul.
Another song? I liked the one yesterday, so here's another that speaks to what's not speaking to me:
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